Eating Disorder? (Brad)

Do you think I have an eating disorder
Because I eat more than I oughta?
I know I’m fat and getting fatter
I look in the mirror and get madder and madder.
I ate all the food that was in my house
I ate my goddamned computer mouse.
I went to a vineyard and ate all the grapes.
I went to the zoo and ate all the apes
No, I didn’t eat the fuckin’ lion
But it wasn’t for lack of fuckin’ tryin’
I tried to eat the steel cage
But the lion went into a rage.
The trouble started long ago
Long before that Fear Factor show
When I was a kid I ate my crayolas
When I was a cop I ate my payola
I ate my next-door neighbor’s car
I went to a nightclub and ate the bar
Then I ate all the booze and the glasses
I ate the stools from under the asses
Because I eat more than I oughta
Do you think I have an eating disorder?

I went to the library and ate all the books
Talk about your dirty looks
I went to Italia and ate all the pastas
I went to Jamaica mon and ate all the Rastas
I went to Mongolia and ate all the hoards
I went to Afghanistan and ate the warlords
I ate the flowers in front of my home
I even ate my garden gnome
I ate three French hens and two turtle doves
I ate Michael Jackson’s other glove
I knew an old lady who swallowed a fly
Big fucking deal I just ate twelve pies
And thirty plums and eighteen peaches
I ate the sand off seven beaches
I’d like to try to be athletic
But I eat so damned much it’s pathetic
I tried to run but I ate the track
I tried doing drugs but I ate my crack
I can’t sleep because I ate my bed
I just stand around and eat instead
Do you think I have an eating disorder
Because I eat more than I oughta?

–B.R. Moroni
Draft © 2005 B.R. Moroni All Rights Reserved