Kirstie Allie Meets Calista Flockheart (Liz)

Over dinner, the following conversation was heard:

“Callie, how do you manage to stay so thin?
Tell me the secret of your strength within.
The stakes are enormous, we’re filled to the brim
with pressures to always look sexy and trim.

I have so much trouble, can’t hide my sins
Whenever I eat, I compulsively binge
My meds don’t work, can’t fight that urge
And I haven’t yet got the hang of purge.”

“Allie dear, listen here,” Calista replies,
“It’s all genes and upbringing, this issue of size.
Calorie has always been a bad word
My own mother taught me to eat like a bird.

My history with food was marked from the start
With ambivalence filling my hungry heart
I obsessed about weight, I barely grew breasts
I wanted a body without ripples of flesh
I dreamt of women with tummies concave,
Cadaverous cheekbones of girls from the grave.

“Ohmigod” said Kirstie, I’ll never hack it
I obsess about chocolates lined up in their jackets
The mysteries of coconuts, cherries and creams
Appear almost nightly in all of my dreams.
Truffles, caramels, chocolate double dutch
On the tip of my tongue, melt at my touch.

Cassoulet, leek soup, potato cheese soufflé
Fettucini alfredo, bananas flambé,
Butter slathered on a loaf of hot bread
A steak so rare the cow’s not quite dead.

And if you’ve got a headache you can’t endure
Here’s the best meal for a hangover cure:
A Big Mac, greasy fries, a strawberry shake,
Finish it off with apple crunch cake.”

“Oh Kirstie, my dear, that sounds utterly gross.
My taste is quite different, I prefer dry toast
And mood’s a factor, I was born in a funk
I’m driven to eat like a Tibetan monk.
But a diet of rice and weeds from the sea
Leaves me without much energy
And sex is a no-no, my libido is dead
I used to indulge, now I live in my head.”

The waiter appeared at the table for two.
It was time for dessert, the moment of truth
“None for me” said Callie, she sat small and prim
“Bring it on,”said Kirstie, she looked rather grim
“I’d rather be fat, fun loving and crude
Than be skinny, unhappy, and never get screwed.”

– Liz Burk
Draft © 2005 L. Burk All Rights Reserved.